I'm flying over England. I can see the fields below. Green fields in uneven blocks across the countryside. As I look down, my heart aches.

I remember that flight, when I first moved, and the woman sitting next to me pointed down and said, "look, there's your new home."

At that point I felt sick. Felt that, maybe, I'd made the wrong choice. I was anxious.

But now, now I look down and wonder if I made the wrong choice moving back to America. Maybe staying in New York was a mistake. Perhaps my heart would still be in tact, perhaps my career in a different place, my faith- still solid. Or, perhaps not.

Maybe what happened, my 'short term' move to New York which turned permanent, is the only thing that could have ever happened. Maybe I would never have been able to stay in England the additional 3 years to get my passport. And really, the things I thought I wanted, the life i felt I was 'behind' on living, - the achievement of a husband, a family, an owned home - those things haven't happened at all anyway and so maybe they aren't what I've truly wanted. Maybe there is another plan for me, another path. A path I seem to keep fighting in exchange for what I've been told I should want or do or feel, but this alternative path refuses to be ignored.

Because the truth is, I could have returned to London. But at the time the offer was made, it no longer felt right, no longer felt like the place I was meant to be. In this moment, right now, as I look down over these fields it does feel right, it aches of home. But perhaps I'm just being emotional.

I've always struggled making rational decisions when it comes to my own life. That's what took me to London in the first place and then to New York - a feeling, a whim. Rational always feels boring and at times wrong. So when my gut screams at me, I jump - very often without looking, hoping i land in water and not on the rocks. So what is my gut saying now?

What will happen between now and December?

I can think back and imagine a different life had I stayed in London, but the reality is, that's not possible, is it? Because if I had stayed I wouldn't be in this seat here, in this moment now. I wouldn't have spent three weeks traveling with amazing friends - many of whom I met in New York. I wouldn't have gone to Julian and Javi's wedding. My universe would be so completely different it is actually unimaginable.

Over and over again I'm struck by how decisions - even the small ones - can profoundly shape our lives. And we can agonize over them, very often we do, but I wonder if the result would ever be different. Because we make decisions with the information we have and who we are in that moment, not who we are now. The lessons learned and the retrospect gained only come later.

Yes, my life could have looked incredibly different. Yes London may have been a viable option and place to remain. Or, perhaps it would have just been a different path to lead me to exactly where I'm going anyway.