I recently took a trip to 10 day trip to Russia on a whim, surprising my friends on a Thursday evening when my response to a question about weekend plans involved flying to the former Soviet Republic.

The general response:

"Wait. Russia? Like, the country?"

Me:

"Yes, that Russia"

To be honest, I really didn't want to go. And, if we continue in our honesty, The Kremlin doesn't exactly make it easy for non-Brazilian tourists to enter their country and enjoy such things as observing the embalmed body of a former Russian leader, paying $6 for a small Americano and deciphering cyrillic. But I took on the administrative challenge, paid for my visa and boarded the plane. And I am so glad I did...

Moscow is incredible. It is an amazing, frustrating, fascinating, inefficient and interesting place.

And, although I did not bump into Edward Snowden, by the end of my (slightly extended trip due to flight issues) I was able to decipher a few key words in Cyrillic (toilet, exit, entrance, tickets) and had managed to learn how to say the following essential phrases in Russian : "

“Hello, my friend”, "Thank you"; and most important of all, “Bitch, please!" (the last of which was only ever thought and never said out loud - no matter how many times I felt compelled to shout it at a Babushka who cut in line or started yelling at me in Russian for seemingly no reason).

Of all the things I learned the most important thing I discovered about traveling in Russia was this: ask the question "why?" as little as possible. Completely avoid the question if you can. Just accept what you see - especially as a tourist. It saves a lot of heartache and headache because either 1) you will not like the answer, 2) the answer makes no reasonable sense or 3)Russians themselves do not know the answer.

I have more stories to tell than this post can do justice to or in the time that I am able to hold your attention, so, instead (for the intrepid traveler on their way to Moscow - and I highly encourage one to do so), here are a few other tips, tricks and warnings:

When rooftop hopping in St. Petersberg and asked by your 21 year old tour guide if you would like the "Dangerous" tour or the "Uninteresting" one, the only logical response is "Dangerous". Obviously.

Seeing things like the below are normal. (Please refer to the 'why' rule, above)

A spaceship. A real spaceship. In a park.

Cars with eyelashes. Naturally.

fake sheep. In the middle of a city.

There is a day in Russia in which soldiers drink from dawn 'til dusk and tourists are advised to "run in the other direction" (I quote) when being approached by groups of drunk soldiers. One should listen. (We didn't. E, actually, ran to them).

Keep the camera ready. You never know when you might see a women with a mullet on a miniature pony riding down the street.

Not speaking Russian will not deter men from having long conversations with you which involve wild hand gestures and the use of Google translate. Below, Vladimir, is one of a few exhibits...

Two quick things:

1.Don't mess with Babushkas. Just don't.

2.Having friends who speak Russian is essential. I cannot stress this enough.

One more thing:

Port-a-potties are way cooler in Russia.

And remember that in Russia every photo is an opportunity to strike a pose.

EVERY photo. No pose is too dramatic.

E did her best (see photo above), but the Russian women win gold in practiced poses

And a bit of Russian wisdom for you: Smiling without reason is for fools.

Ice cream tastes better in winter. This, according to my friends Dimitri and Igor who saved me from a Russian summer rain storm at Patriarch Ponds. (But let's be honest, ice cream is pretty good anytime - even when had alongside wine and coffee and, according to Dimitri, if you can get it - pickles.)

And most importantly,

"The administration is not responsible for your values..."